1. Limit Facebook to 4-6 pm, which is when most idiots read it anyway. Just do jokes. It’s not on you to break the story. You’re a hundred and fifty. You have a pussy. You are they who laughs longest.
2. If you’re bullied on social media, defriend the motherfuckers. If you’re bullied to your face, you may not realize it till later, but when you do, defriend the motherfuckers.
3. If you’re being defriended? Don’t fucking talk to me.
4. Perhaps I should’ve led with this: Learn to swear.
5. Breathe from your belly. Yes, that makes it look fatter. Let it go. Also, vodka. Let it go. Potato chips? That’s more fucking carbs than vodka. Grow some limits, girl.
6. “Chelsea.” Figure it out—and it’s not about vodka. She’s 41-ish, white-ish, gorgeous-ish, and cis-, but she’s mostly right, her jokes are better than yours, and she has really great tits. PS: This is not the time to upload pictures of yourself. Particularly your tits.
7. Call your shrink. But I should warn you: your shrink is really busy right now. That’s why mine hasn’t heard from me—I always put her needs first. Bitch.
8. Yoga. Just do it.
9. Avoid people of privilege. There. I said it. (You lived through the civil rights movement. Catch up.) PS: The media is comprised almost entirely of Ivy League shits like Ann Coulter, who, thanks to Rob Lowe (?), we can now ridicule openly (what??).
10. Shits are better in print. Or on print. Pixels! Whatever. You can read the NYT, the WaPo, and the WSJ online. (If you regularly read the WSJ, squint hard and try to remember that civil rights thing.) Stream video the next day—morning, not night. As you know, you need a lot of sleep. Should you get triggered, there’s a red button on the box. Click that cocksucker and get out.
11. What would Lorelai do? Retinol. Nail polish. Hair color. I know, I know, I know. But fuck it. Desperate times. Who cares if the aesthetician looks like Rory? That’s not the point! Desperate. Bitch-ass. Times.
12. Get those “keep calm” magnets off your fucking fridge. You want to “keep calm”? Get ready to hear the word “cunt” during a joint session of Congress. That’s actually a best-case scenario. So cowboy the fuck up.
13. Viceland. Figure it out.
Finally: do not despair. The future looks bright. How do I know? Because this right here? Is right down the road. She’s already halfway there, she won’t be a shit, and she’ll know a fucklot more about your privilege than you do.
Defriend me. Do it. Do it right fucking now.
Than you. And good morning!